Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query II Critiqued

TGIF. Here is my critique of Nabila's revised query, with the feedback in red.

The letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. Nice! Now we've got a great sense of character. Excellent way to open. The only other thing I want is Shelly's age. But nNever in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, you don't need this, because it's inferred. she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas with gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world. This is a much better opening hook paragraph than before. It still needs a little tightening, but you're off to a great start.

Determined to carry on with the plan, of searching for her father and brother? Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. You really need to read The Dust of 100 Dogs. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one. Okay, so this paragraph is a long chunk of text, and it really ambles all over the place. The content underneath it all is good. I've got a clearer sense of the conflict now, and where the story goes, but you need to work on clarifying the execution and delivery of the information.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel a YA Historical Adventure (Adventure is not really a genre, but I'm not sure what else to call it). The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

Okay, to summarize, your first paragraph is so much better now. It really gets Shelly's character across much better, and I can see why she is someone we would want to read about. It's not perfect yet, but it's very close.

Your second paragraph has improved, and the information in it about the stakes and the details of the conflict are good, but it goes on for too long, and is hard to follow. See if you can work on being more concise, and try to convey the same concepts in fewer words.

I wish I could get specific about what to cut and what to keep from your second paragraph, but I think that has to be up to either you, or at least someone who has read the book.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query II

We've got another revision today. You can find Nabila's original query, here. And you can find my critique of it, here. If you didn't see the first post, please do take a look, because you can find the link to Nabila's blog there.

Now, let's get to the letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. But never in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world.

Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel. The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and have a wonderful Thursday.

Public Service Announcement: After today, I've got only one person waiting in line for a query critique. If you know anyone who is looking for help with their letter, send them my way. All they have to do is email me.

Stella Telleria's Current Query II Critiqued

I got up late today and had the strange sensation of driving to work after the sun was up. Daylight is a strange and fickle companion.

Ahem.

Anyway, let's get work. Here's Stella's revised query, this time with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

When badass former Marine, Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley to pull a few thugs off their prey, she finds the fight she’s been looking for. I added the been, because otherwise it's not clear she's been looking for a fight for some time, and not only that night. The problem is the prey proposes she take up another fight, and a button-click later she awakes on an Earth-like parallel world. Huh? I'm confused. This is vague, and I don't know exactly what's going on. These are aliens or people from the parallel world, right? And what does this button belong to? It's a part of some device? That’s one mad left-hook. This line is still killer, but it unfortunately actually packs less punch now (pun intended). Before, it could be taken both literally and metaphorically, but now that we have more specifics in front of it, it doesn't have as much double meaning. I'm not saying the specifics aren't good, because they are (you need more, in fact), but I'm just pointing out how it changes this line a bit.

The scrap leads to a cryptic job offer any sane person would refuse. I'm still undecided on this. The job offer is still vague to me, but you get to it in a moment, and it does set up some great characterization in this next line. So, she takes it. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a matriarchal utopia where freedom doesn’t exist, and fighting for it means execution for either gender. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom. She’s been tasked with The impossible job they've offered her is training them to fight, but not all agree they need her to show them the way. After all, she’s the enemy. Do you understand why I changed that? I want to see it made perfectly clear that the training and the job offer are the same thing. Otherwise, the vagueness of the job offer gets lost in the shuffle, and an agent might stop reading.

Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand Mia’s odd views of freedom. You've done a good job of moving this final paragraph a bit more toward Mia's POV, but you might need to reword it even a little more. He’s also complicating her exit strategy. If she leaves, the power struggle within the syndicate may make their battle for freedom impossible. That Eben doesn’t want her to go only makes things worse for stoic Mia. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, their collective fight for independence becomes her last hope for salvation. But before long, she discovers all is not what it seems. Reality checks never bounce. The rest of this is pretty friggin' good. That last new line, in particular, is so full of voice, I love it.

THE MALE AMENDMENT is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Stella Telleria

In summary, there's not a whole lot to summarize. You took my (and my reader's) advice, and you ran with it. I think this query is much improved, and is very very close to where it needs to be. Keep working on the opening, and add a few more specifics, and you'll be there.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Stella Telleria's Current Query II

I'm you sure you all remember Stella's first query, and the critique. She's asked us to have a look at her revision.

So here's the new letter:

Dear Agent,

When badass former marine, Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley to pull a few thugs off their prey, she finds the fight she’s looking for. The problem is the prey proposes she take up another fight, and a button-click later she awakes on an Earth-like parallel world. That’s one mad left-hook.

The scrap leads to a cryptic job offer any sane person would refuse. So, she takes it. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a matriarchal utopia where freedom doesn’t exist, and fighting for it means execution for either gender. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom. She’s been tasked with training them to fight, but not all agree they need her to show them the way. After all, she’s the enemy.

Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand Mia’s odd views of freedom. He’s also complicating her exit strategy. If she leaves, the power struggle within the syndicate may make their battle for freedom impossible. That Eben doesn’t want her to go only makes things worse for stoic Mia. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, their collective fight for independence becomes her last hope for salvation. But before long, she discovers all is not what it seems. Reality checks never bounce.

THE MALE AMENDMENT is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Stella Telleria

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. I'm working on three manuscripts right now (critiquing one, editing one, and drafting one), and I made a lot of progress on all three yesterday, so I won't be reading many blogs today. Mention your post in a comment if you have something important you want me to see, and I will stop by.

In Flanders Field

I wasn't going to post this morning. But then I heard this story on NPR on the way into work. The story of one of the most famous war poems in history.

From Wikipedia: "In Flanders Fields" is a war poem in the form of a rondeau, written during the First World War by Canadian physician and Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae. He was inspired to write it on May 3, 1915, after presiding over the funeral of friend and fellow soldier Alexis Helmer, who died in the Second Battle of Ypres. According to legend, fellow soldiers retrieved the poem after McCrae, initially unsatisfied with his work, discarded it. "In Flanders Fields" was first published on December 8 of that year in the London-based magazine Punch.

It is one of the most popular and most quoted poems from the war. As a result of its immediate popularity, parts of the poem were used in propaganda efforts and appeals to recruit soldiers and raise money selling war bonds. Its references to the red poppies that grew over the graves of fallen soldiers resulted in the remembrance poppy becoming one of the world's most recognized memorial symbols for soldiers who have died in conflict. The poem and poppy are prominent Remembrance Day symbols throughout the Commonwealth of Nations, particularly in Canada, where "In Flanders Fields" is one of the nation's best known literary works.

And here is the text of the poem:

In Flanders Fields

By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)

Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

So what do you say on Memorial Day? The long weekend, the BBQs, and the beach certainly make for great memories, but should we really say "Happy Memorial Day?" Probably not.